If you are ever wake up in a horror movie (and who hasn’t right?) there are certain things you will be compelled to do that will almost always get you killed. Fear not, because Justin is here to show you the light at the end of the tunnel of the nightmarish situation you find yourself in.  Before we begin lets set the scene:  The house or setting you are in is most likely poorly lit making you strain to see.  If you’re in a public place like a hospital it will more than likely be devoid of the typical traffic you would expect so avoid lurking around for too long while repeatedly yelling “hello…. is anyone there?”, one time is sufficient if anyone is in ear shot they will reply.  If you find yourself in a private setting like a house in the woods, the power will probably go out be ready for this.

Now that we are on the same page lets get to the precious life saving tips so we can all get our “horror movie specialist” merit badges.

1. If you run out of gas in a strange little town in the south (Texas especially) and the gas station doesn’t have any gas, then all of the ‘nice people’ you see are a part of an inbred family that will want to kill you.  Don’t believe their lies.
2. Always carry a gun.  Your typical killer uses slashing weapons so bring your gun to the knife fight.
3. If you’re with a group of your friends you’re fine.  Don’t “split up” to cover more ground for any reason, who cares if it seems more productive?  Offering to split up is like saying “hey lets all stab each other in the face”.
4. If a bad guy is chasing you, pick a direction and run without looking back.  The bad guys just walk after you so run.
5. If you trip while running get up immediately and run some more.  Why lay there on your back looking at the bad guy while crawling backwards slowly while yelling “Noooo!”
6. If you are with your friends and and somebody says “ill be right back” start writing their obituary because they are a goner.  So never say “i’ll be right back”
7. If you hear a strange noise while you’re by yourself, never investigate it.  Just sit there backed into a corner with your gun you have since Rule #2 and wait it out.  Bad guys really hate sitting still unless they are playing dead.
8. If you DO investigate a strange sound and it turns out to be a jumping cat, run out the nearest door and simply run in one direction.
9. If a crazy animal is chasing you and you have a partner, make sure you run faster than them.  Survival of the fittest baby, its a dog eat dog world in a horror flick.
10. Don’t take anything from the dead.  They’ll come back and kill you and there is nothing you can do about it.
11. If one of the people you are with start getting glowing eyes, a blood fixation, or increased aggression that involves wanting to bite people, kill them immediately.
12. Beware of strangers carrying anything tool or kitchen utensil related.  You never know if you’re the guy that dies in some strange way by an impromptu contraption.
13. If you’re on your way somewhere fun and there is a crazy old man and during the conversation he says “you’re all going to die!”, it’s time to pack it in.
14. The second you see a ghost in your new house, stay in a motel, sell it and move.
15. Always ask the Realtor if the house you’re buying has been built on an Indian Burial ground.  If it has, you’re gonna die so ask.  This is why we need more Indians on zoning committees.
16. If you move into a new home, pay close attention to your kids.  Kids get creepy around ghosts.  For whatever reason children and ghosts make friends quickly.
17. If you’re taking a shower and the water turns to blood, don’t scream.  Just towel off calmly and walk out of the home.  The ghosts could have killed you just then so take this as a suggestion of getting the hell out of there.
18. If you’re driving a car down a winding road and there is a white image of a person in the middle of the street just plow through it.  It’s a trap to get you to crash your car.
19. If your in a car crash that turns your car over, get out because any car that turns over in a film has to explode, no questions asked.
20. If you are smoking pot or having sex you’re going to die very soon.
21. If a demon is torturing you in your dreams you need to get a drug called “hypnocil” you won’t dream any more.
22. If any messages are written in blood or in the fog of a bathroom mirror, assume them to be factual.
23. If you think you’ve killed the bad guy, don’t go check. Just light the place on fire.  Fire is cool.
24. If  you lose any body parts on your path out of the hellish nightmare you find yourself in, don’t despair!  Take this as an opportunity to replace said body part with a cool accessory, like a chainsaw or a machine gun.
25. If you’re a guy you need to come to the realization that the survivors of horror movies are almost always a virgin-like female.
26. If you’re a female, never under any circumstance get topless or nude (even for a shower) easy women are expendable.
27. Always ask why the house you’re buying is being sold for such an amazing price.
28. Ouija boards mean devil possession, and not by your entry level demons that are easily expelled we’re talking Satan himself.  Milton Bradley and Satan are homeboys.
29. Your dog can take care of itself.
30. And so can your wife.
31. and your kids too…
32. If you mention anything about long term goals or loved ones you will get you killed, so keep them to yourself.
33. Puzzles are hard to solve for a reason.
34. Never open strange canisters if they look like they’re owned by the government.
35. Working the night shift is a death sentence.
36. Skinny dipping may sound fun, but think of the painful disemboweling that will come shortly after.
37. Noises are hardly ever the house settling or the wind, its a scary monster damnit and it’s time to start running.
38. Never be funnier than the main character.
39. If you find a tatoo on your kid in the shape of “666″ it was a good run, put him up for adoption.
40. Dolls that talk also kill, it says so on the package.
41. If anyone tells you they are from the future believe them without question.
42. If young neighborhood girls are singing or chanting a song about a killer or a boogeyman while playing hop scotch or jump rope consider moving.
43. If you have a clear shot at anyone you think is bad shoot them repeatedly in the face, bad guys wear kevlar too.
44. Stay the hell away from anywhere named ‘Crystal Lake’, ‘Haddonfield’, or ‘Elm Street’.
45. If the killer chasing you is wearing a hockey mask or a William Shatner mask, use the gun from rule #2 on yourself, you’re done.  They can walk faster than you can run, I’m pretty sure they can teleport, and they’re death proof.

These of course are only a few of the hundreds of “What to do in specific situations” in a horror movie. How do you know if you’re already IN a horror movie?  Everything always appears normal right?  Wrong, nothing is normal in a horror movie it’s just the calm before a storm.  Here are a few ways to tell you’re in a horror movie to save yourself the time.

1. If you have been traumatized and have recurring nightmares about it and are seeing things that aren’t there… you aren’t crazy!  You’re just in a horror movie.
2. If  you’re at a party in the woods somewhere and your friends are going missing, you’re in a horror movie.
3. If everything is going super awesome in your life, and you are able to spend time with your wife or kids just laughing and frolicking in your front yard, the poop is about to hit the fan.  That great time you’re having is going to be the subject of a home movie you will be stuck watching over and over to get the horrific images out of your head.
4. If someone whispers your name while on a jog or in your house and nobody is there, thats a dead give-away (no pun intended).
5. If you see blood on ANYTHING that nobody else sees, you’re in a horror flick.
6. If you see anyone wearing a mask, they are the enemy.
7. If an angrily meowing cat jumps at you when you open a cabinet, you’re in a horror movie.  I’m pretty sure the bad guys pet them backwards a few times and put them in there mad for this purpose.
8. If you’re at a party and the power goes out, assume the worst.
9. If there is something on the wing of an airplane… SOME… THING…. and nobody sees it, assume it’s a psychological attack from an angry demon.
10. If at any point anyone bites somebody, assume you’re in a horror movie and start shooting. A little jail time never hurt anyone (at least not as bad as a werewolf or a zombie does).